Sunday, 19 August 2012

Too bad bad bad for me Part 2

Well, I prayed that those who read my post is going to open their heart.

Today, I spend my whole day crying.. I know it is such a waste of time and energy.
Nothing is going to change with crying.. but it heals me. Tears might makes me look weak and so fragile but I am no longer considered as a teenager. :) Instead of being angry,hateful or revenge. I choose to cry and forgive.

I am thinking of visiting my late father's grave on this Xmas holiday.
Its been a while.. but now only I can talk about it openly. I guess. I always wanted to go but i know i don't have the strength. Too bad for me, I never manage to see my father before he left me forever.
My name is given by my father. The only one. Another 10 siblings' name was given by my mother. So far that I remember, I never been very nice to my late father. Was I? I was such a very rebellious daughter but seriously, my memory is blurred. Things weren't so well.. i never wanted to remember but sometimes it came across my mind and I'd go very confused.

When I look back, I was only kind to him when I was a very very very little girl then something changed after I started going to school. My aunty said, I was like an 'unwanted clothes'. Kene lempar sana sini,pijak. That was how my late father treated me. I got the scar on my face because of him. My aunty said, I almost die for so many times because he hit me. When I was a teenager, I looked at all those things as child abuse.That is why I was not so kind to him..
Now, I see it in a different way.. there must be a reason why he did that to me. Stressful life? Maybe I was so naughty? My aunty said it was..JEALOUSY.
What JEALOUSY got to do with beating me? I don't understand but I want to believe that it was something to do with LOVE.

I am screwed up. I am half of my life span and I am still here confused. Like having a memory blackout. :'(

I really don't want to think about the past.. or stuck with my pasts.. but at the same time need to figure out what happened so I can move on..